Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
