You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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