You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
