I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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