Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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