True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
