I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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