3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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