His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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