That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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