I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize