My cat gives me a boner
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
