My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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