if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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