The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
