the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
this hospital has no fireball
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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