I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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