just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
