When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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