is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
