Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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