I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize