those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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