Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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