Can i not drive my cunt home
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
