Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
