I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
