Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wear drunk well.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
