I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
