I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
