remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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