The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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