Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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