i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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