I wish I could punch you in the face.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
