My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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