That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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