she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
