This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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