awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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