It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
