my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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