im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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