Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize