Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
