Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize