also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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