I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
