Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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