Umm I'm too high to move.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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