who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
