I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
