I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
3 2 1 whiskey
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize