Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize