Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
