i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
