and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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