I love black thongs
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
