WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
