Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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