I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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