Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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