My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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