By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
