I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
