we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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