Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize